As I was writing this, I realized that this week is the week between International Bereaved Mother’s Day (IBMD) and Mother’s Day.  IBMD honors mothers who have lost a child or women who cannot be a mother for various reasons

I find myself with one foot on either side of this holiday, as I have lost a daughter and I have a daughter that remains by my physical side.  It can be a challenging place. If we are not careful as mother’s, we can get lost in the grief of the loss of one, only to sacrifice the living.

As most of you are aware, tragically I lost my daughter to a drunk driver on Christmas Eve 2016.  Today I am in my 5 month of my 6th year learning how to navigate life on this plane without her walking by my side.  While the days seem easier to navigate, it took me a very long time to come to peace with feeling that way, AND THEN to be comfortable admitting it, AND THEN to own it by saying it aloud.  This does not in any way mean I miss her any less, or I don’t think of her, because she is and will forever be in my every thought and action.  I feel this way because of all the work that I do regarding my experience. I am able to move forward in my life with joy again.  This has not been an easy journey, but one necessary for many reasons.  First, it is absolutely what I know she would want for me. Second, I truly cannot imagine simply surviving for the remainder of my days.

In my book,“The Voice of an Angel”, Chapter 8, I write about the 6 A’s; acknowledgement, allowing, absorption, acceptance, adjustment and adapting. These require feeling and dealing, in each and every step. Some of us get so caught up with the day to day and we lose focus of what’s important, or worse, completely fill our days so we don’t have the time to acknowledge and feel. This happens because sometimes, feeling means pain, distress, reality checks and on occasion, owning up to something. Owning up for me in this moment…being in my 6th year without Syd, I still am not able to look at her picture. It kills me.  I go to all the “what could have been’s” and it breaks my heart all over again, with every glance.  So, this being month 5 of year 6, I am pushing myself and now have a beautiful image of her as my wallpaper on my phone.  Gut wrenching, truly.  But what I am realizing is that I am looking at her quickly, but I do not look into her eyes.  Not yet.  It’s about stepping-stones. So…my baby step is I can now look at her but not look into her eyes. If you knew her eyes and all they said…you might better understand!  I am feeling the pain that I have when I deal with the emotions that stop me from continuing to live as my best newest self.  Sometimes it requires a push or a brave jump into something that makes us uncomfortable or brings us back to that horrible feeling of “if I do this, will it mean I am forgetting her or I’m okay with her being gone?”  This is the ego toying with you, keeping you from what you want and from what your lost loved one wants for you. Sydney wants me to be all I can be, to take what I learn have learned and share it with anyone that has lost someone so dear that they will spend the rest of their days in “feel, deal, heal” but to do this with grace and patience for themselves.  It’s not okay to accept that you may never be whole again, you will be.  Whole now has a new definition for those of us that lost a child or a loved one.  Whole is creating a bridge over and around the black hole in our souls (google Niagara Falls and look at the glass bridge.  That’s the visual I am asking you to have for the next leg of the journey).  The bridge, is acceptance of our path and finding new ways to love, live and prosper.  It’s acceptance that our child is watching over us with complete and unconditional love for us and all those that have wronged them.  We can channel that positive, healing energy into our lives and love ourselves with complete trust that what lies ahead is everything they would want for us and more   We have Angels that most do not, which means a hand in heaven guiding and protecting us.  I get a complete sense of peace knowing and feeling this.  I will admit, I felt this from the very beginning but for some it may be something that needs to find its way to your heart.  That can only happen by feeling everything, dealing with it as it arises and not pushing it down, or filling your schedule so you don’t have time to think and address “IT”.  This will allow you so you can heal for to the next layer of this journey.

Without truly feeling, dealing, and healing, over time your closest relationships can suffer.  These are the people that stayed with you.  They loved you and probably mistaked their way through each day with you, sometimes not really knowing what to do during the journey of supporting you through something they realize they can never truly understand the depths of your pain. Yet they love you so deeply they stayed.  They endured the feeling of helplessness, and you probably don’t recall all of them from the numbness, but they do. They remember the funeral and every detail and individual that attended.  They recall the harsh tones you expressed when you were at rock bottom. They also do not hold any of it against you for their love is unconditional. How do I know this you ask? Because they stayed…We sometimes are so into our own journey and pain they we don’t consider what those around us are feeling and experiencing. Take a moment, hug that person, thank them for all their patience and love. Ask them how they are feeling because they too are experiencing loss.  Ask them to help you if you are struggling, because while the years pass, you never truly disembark from the grief bus and you need these souls in your journey.  You just learn to navigate and build your (healthy) bridges.  Communication is still the number one way to work through every single stage of grief. That loving soul that stays by your side cannot read your mind. And sometimes, even you aren’t 100% sure what is happening inside your head and heart. Talking brings clarity. Please never assume they know what you want or even how you want it. Communicate. They made it this far on this journey with you, broaden their scope by sharing what you need now, because I guarantee it is very different from what you needed in the beginning of the grief journey. Love needs to be nurtured and that’s two sided. If your love language,before losing your child, was physical touch and now you really aren’t feeling so much like physical touch, talk about it.  In communicating how you are feeling, you might uncover why that is happening. Perhaps you feel guilty because your sweet baby isn’t able to feel that again, so you feel bad.  Perfectly normal but it can’t be your final go to. By communicating, you also will be putting their mind at ease because they might be feeling that you no longer desire them. It needs to be dealt with. Feel, deal, heal.

Deal…does not mean, okay I am good to go and back too normal. Deal means making peace with what you were and are feeling.  Bringing it to the surface and addressing it so it does not wreak your life. Sounds dramatic but that is a very real possibility if it’s not addressed! Not dealing can take you down an ugly and lonely path. I am 100% positive that this is not what your child had in mind for you. In fact, if you allow the stillness to engulf you from time to time, you will feel them and their guidance. They are with you in spirit and are paving the way for feeling, dealing and healing. So, if you’re busy, busy, busy…STOP! Ask yourself, why?  What am I afraid to admit or realize? THEN…the best question you can ever ask yourself…”What is the worst that can happen?”  Seriously?  We all know that if you lost a child, you have already experienced the worst thing that can ever happen so now it’s practically a walk in the park. (I am making light to make a point.)

Deal…we moved an hour and a half away from where we lived since losing Syd.  We often go back that way for family and the drive has not been enjoyable for me, or my husband. I never made an excellent passenger, but it was an easy fix, I simply always drove.  Control freak, maybe. But up until my husband became the designated driver, me driving was my way of dealing. So, now being a constant passenger, I have not been a happy camper and it is not a conscious thing. I don’t sit there saying to myself, I don’t want to be here. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. I remind myself what an excellent driver he is and that he has never been in an accident. Yet still I white knuckle it and am a ball of nerves exhausted by the time we get to our destination. Not fun for anyone. After losing Syd to a drunk driver, you can imagine that did not help my need to be the one behind the wheel. It was ugly and I was embarrassed by my behavior yet felt like I was watching myself as it happened because none of it was my conscious self.  It truly was from within and deep.  I have asked myself many, many times, “what’s the worst thing” and this last time I was able to finally identify “IT”!  Now, mind you this has come from many conversations with my husband and getting to the heart of it all.  “IT” for me is not dying in a car accident but rather being maimed and unable to function as I do. To lose any of my faculties, my freedom…that would be worse than dying for me.  FINALLY!  With this realization, we put a plan in place and this past weekend, I took a nap in the passenger seat for almost the entire 1 ½ hour ride.  Miracle of miracles!!  I share this because doing the work of “feel, heal, deal” really does provide peace of mind without even realizing it, and brings that’s peace for all involved. Remember too, that there is divine timing. You can do the work and then all the sudden it pays off, and you experience an ah-ha or relief of some kind and that is a beautiful feeling.

If you are an altruistic person, do some of your feeling and dealing for the person that stayed, so they can continue to stay, and you can continue to grow together. Then in time you see and feel the peace it provides.  Keep the motivation alive to continue to feel, deal, heal.

Heal…this is something everyone around you is doing. We all have our lessons, and we all need to heal. It’s not okay for anyone to run from their stuff, yet many do. The expression, “the hard thing to do is usually the right thing” is spot on.  To me, that translates to surviving vs. thriving.  I have no interest in surviving and most likely if you are reading this, neither do you 😊. Trust me when I say, you will see rainbows and unicorns over time if you dive into “feel, deal, heal”.

Life with an Angel watching over you can be filled with guiltless joy…strive for it by “feeling, dealing and healing” and pay it forward, teach those around you.  First by living by example, then guide those that inquire.  Spread the love my friends, spread the love.

The audio below is from an interview I did with KC Armstrong on December 12, 2018 to promote “The Voice of an Angel” by sharing a little about our life together as “We 3” which in turn will also be used for KC’s new book, “Simply Amazing Women” that I am blessed to be one of the women chosen to participate.

Anger has been my “go to” emotion over these last two years since losing Syd, but especially the 2nd year. In my book, “The Voice of an Angel”, I write about “leaning into love” and while I do always get back to love, anger was definately present. I experienced anger during the 1st year of life without Syd, but I was still incredibly numb and that seemed to dull the senses making the anger seem less profound.

The 2nd year thou, the numbness lifted and in some regards it felt as if I went through yr 1 all over again because you “feel again” and have a clearer level of awareness, which seems to make the anger even more pronounced. 

The love I hold in my heart for my daughters has been my saving grace, my raison d’etra, and what drove me to want to understand the anger versus simply pushing thru it or pushing it down. I believe this is how the anger can be transformed into healthier emotions, instead of owning me and making me bitter…. Love.

So going thru my 2nd yr, there was plenty of anger but around the 2nd milestone of Syd’s passing, the anger seemed to subside and I was no longer numb. I felt something different…a sense of hope that I had written about. Truth be told, some days thru these first 2 years I was pretending “hope” because Syd told me it would happen and to just believe and move thru the days as if I was experiencing hope. So I did just that. I was manifesting hope. And all of the sudden, one morning around the 24th, I woke with these words,

“I needed to do what I did over this last 2 yr period of time. But it is past and I am as pleased as I can possibly be about how it played out and how I handled it. Now, I enter into yr 3 with a different energy and intent, knowing thats what my girls would want and need from me.”

With those words came the true feeling of hope and a sort of permission from above, if that makes sense.

So while anger is a normal emotion and one we all need to address, for me it feels like a form of punishment for the cards I was dealt and having to create a new reality. No, I am not happy with being in this place in life but, understand that this duality is important to embrace and make peace within my new reality.

My girls need me better not bitter. I need better. And all of those I love need better.

So my intention going into year 3, having permission from both of my girls, is to truly and completely own my new reality and be good with it. To continue to live with no regrets and make the most from the memories and love that fuel me. This I firmly believe is the key to being able to experience joy again in my every day and THAT is my goal!

#lovehealsall
#loveyoumore
#thevoiceofanangel

…for people that are grieving the loss of a loved one?  Speaking from experience, which in my opinion makes me an expert*, I can say that while I am incredibly happy for the people that are able to truly enjoy the festivities that Hanukah, Kwanza, Christmas and the New Year bring, it currently no longer promotes that feeling within me.   And now having had this experience, my naïve’ wish going forward, would be that no more people experience such a tragedy in their life.

At the 2 year milestone this Christmas Eve, my grief is still fresh.  I would like to believe that over time, life and the holidays will become easier but in the conversations I have had with people that are in their 10th, 15th and even 20th year of loss, they still have that gap within them. They say when you lose someone of such a significant magnitude, every single day will never be the same and that definitely applies to the holidays.  While I believe that gap will always be there, this is where my favorite expression comes into play for me and how I plan on moving through the remainder of my life, 

“Life is about the choices you make, regardless of what happens to you”.

For those that know me, that expression defines me. I am not a negative person, not at all. I think that I am doing a good job of keeping my shit together; allowing the tears when they come (does anyone have a great “antidote” for puffy eyes?), getting up each day with the intention of making it a good one, focusing on how I am able to help others and dealing with the fact that I will never hear my daughter’s “actual” voice again (I say “actual” because she speaks to me in dreams but it is still very different). The little things I miss daily are her giddy contagious laugh, hearing her special “cho cho train” text ring on my phone or feel the comfort of her warm embrace.  Those are just the simplest yet most profound things that immediately come to mind.  There are so many other things, big and little, that surface daily for me and remind me I am “on my own” during the regular every day of every day.  So the holiday season is an even deeper reminder of the empty space I am trying to navigate, not fill, because that would be impossible.  Unfortunately, there are so many people in the world feeling the same way I do during this season.

For those of us are finding our way through this holiday, we are trying to make decisions like “do we”;

• Leave an empty chair at the dinner table in their honor 
• Donate to a cause in their name
• Make a toast to their memory
• Make their favorite foods
• Hang an ornament for them
• Watch their favorite movies
• Write a post about them for social media
• Display their photo with a candle
• Put up a tree

There are definitely many other options to consider, NOT because it makes us feel better BUT to acknowledge who they were and stood for.  Personally, we don’t set the chair at the table because for me it feels as if I am not coming to terms with the fact that she is gone and am waiting for her to come through the door at any moment to sit with us, but that is just me. Each of these will feel different to everyone and there are many more things that can be done.    It is very important to me that not only is Sydney remembered but also that people do not get uncomfortable hearing her name.  I find that most people shy away from having conversations that involve the person that has passed on.  In my view, that is dishonoring all that they were and are as they walk another plane watching over us.

I share this not so you feel sorry for me (don’t you dare!!) but for awareness. So you take a moment in the next few days to stop…take a breath…think of the people you know that have lost a loved one…and send them a positive thought, action or word.    Always remember, so much love can be shared simply by an intention.   

Syd came to me in a dream and showed me what “millions of candles lit” looks like from her vantage point now and said “Momma, its like going to a concert and everyone is waving a lit lighter in the air at the same time. That’s what we see here.”  It was a beautiful sight to behold and a fabulous reminder to me that the light we create is as bright a light as she was when she walked this plain.   And I am sure I can say that about the lights of all of those that we love and have lost.

So this holiday season, no matter how often or how long, please take a moment out of your busy schedule and breathe, show gratitude for your many blessings, light a candle and send the intention of “unconditional love and you are not alone” to those you know who are finding their way through grief this holiday season.  

Many blessings…

*experience/expert – I say this because I have seen many articles online from “experts” this holiday season about loss and the holidays, claiming to be an expert yet not having personally experienced what they are writing about.  That is not walking their talk.  This is just my perspective.

#lovehealsall

#loveyoumore

#thevoiceofanangel

The trail against the defendant that is being charged with taking Sydney’s life is now scheduled for May 31st, 2018.   I know, it seems so very far off but I would like to believe that is for a reason.   Perhaps Sydney has a hand in that?

All I know is that it is out of our hands and nothing can bring her back to me/us so faith comes in now BIG TIME!   Faith that good will prevail over evil, justice will be served and the “appropriate consequence” will be invoked for the incredibly poor choice that was made on that sad Christmas Eve Day.   Karma will do the rest from that point forward.

She was 21, beautiful in every way, had a plan and definitely made a difference in this world and even now…continues to do so from her seat in the clouds.

Thank you for all the continued love and support.   This is not something you simply heal from, its something you learn to incorporate into your everyday, from now until our last breaths, and not trying but FINDING ways to make some goodness from the tragedy of her loss.    She would NEVER accept simply trying!

May the Angels watch over all of you….

Did you notice the little white butterfly on Sydney’s wrist in her portrait in the prior post?

Jo says she adds butterflies in all of her artwork but was not aware of this when she chose to add the white “cabbage” butterfly.

The story…

We used to get little white butterflies in our house all through the winter. 6 or 7 a winter and they would sit with us on a plant or the coffee table but right next to us, and sometimes on us, until they passed. This went on for years and I saved them after they passed and would put them in the soil in the spring. It stopped when we sold the house and moved. The girls used to tease me and say it was unnatural to have butterflies in the winter but if anyone could have them, we could. We 3 could.

Art & words by Jo Jayson 

The other week I posted a video of me painting the beginning of a special portrait commission. Today I am posting the finished portrait, completed on Valentines Day. This is Sydney, she was 21 when she was tragically killed by a drunk driver on Christmas Eve 2016. Her beloved Step Father Ken Bell came to me in October to ask if I would paint their daughter as a heartfelt gift for her mother Marcy Stone.  It of course was humbling to have been asked and chosen, but the true humbleness came when I embarked on the painting. Technically it was incredibly difficult given that I only had a very small photo that couldn’t be enlarged and the angle of the face to the camera gave a lot of difficult foreshortening. But this time I was pushed to tap into Sydney’s beautiful energy more than I was tasked to paint from a photograph. It wasn’t a new experience to do this for me but it was the first time I had painted a soul that had passed so soon. What I discovered in the energy of what came through into the painting, was a joy and a delight that felt so sweet and pure.

This is Sydney, in her Mothers words,

“Sydney was (and is) a force to be reckoned with yet with a laid back, unconditionally loving whimsical spirit. She had the passion of a purist and the patience of a beautiful old soul. She loved life, sought out truth and had a love and devotion for her family and friends that surpassed any needs of her own. She adored her big sister, she was my best friend/side kick and my husband was her partner in crime and to look into her beautiful blue eyes is to see her truth and all she stood for and believed in.”

How has one year come to pass?   It feels like only yesterday receiving the news, going to the morgue, planning the funeral.   Getting dressed for the funeral I recall looking into the mirror and not recognizing the face that looked back at me.   It wasn’t until later that I realized what that signified and then found myself on a journey of self re-discovery while also dealing with this indescribable loss.   I was blessed with a few visits from my beloved Sydney in my dreams over this year and she has taken me places, showed me things, shared insights of why now, who I am becoming and why I need to be strong and find my way and, with no surprise, she promised me she would always be by my side, like she was in life…my side kick, but with more of a reach to help than when she was here.

Her selflessness and her simplicity in life was so beautiful and it got me to thinking of how we could honor her today.   She had so many ways of living that if more people followed suit, the world would be a much happier place.   So I thought I would share some of her “Syd’ism’s or ways to live life”. Some were so simple, silly and some were wisdom beyond her years…

So here we go…

1. Dr. Seuss rocks. Two of her favorites (she had them posted in her room), “Today you are you! That is truer than true! There is no one alive who is you-er than you!” And… “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind”.
2. SLOW DOWN!!!!    And be home more
3. Give the person you are with 100% of your attention, let them know they matter
4. Family is everything! (this is everyone that matters to you, not just blood!)
5. Love really is the only thing that matters, all kinds of love.
6. Never say diet. Eat in moderation, except with bacon!!!
7. Don’t take life, or yourself, too seriously.
8. NEVER change who you are for someone else.
9. Love with reckless abandon.
10. Give all you have and expect nothing in return
11. Live life so you will have zero regrets
12. Material stuff DOES NOT MATTER!
13. There is always room for 2nds; 2nd breakfast, 2nd lunch and 2nd dinner (she was a foodie!)
14. Pooh “You’re braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.
15. Only be around people that believe in you
16. Why lie when the truth is so much fun
17. Only have a bucket list if you intend on using it!
18. Choose the people in your life by their heart
19. The most important ingredient in a recipe is the love you put into it
20. Never ask someone to do something you wouldn’t do, and if you wouldn’t do it, does it even really truly matter?
21. Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened. (More profound words from Dr. Seuss)

I know we all miss her so dreadfully and to see people posting their feelings and pictures today is such a testament to what an incredibly loving soul Sydney was and is.   I would like to ask everyone to light a candle in her honor today.   I found a two-wick candle in a beautiful mercury glass; the one wick signifies her 21 beautiful years with us in this lifetime and the other wick signifies her beautiful soul as she now watches over each and every one of us.   Let her continue to share her wisdom with us all in new ways. Watch and listen for her, she is with us all, which I believe brings her great joy and it brings me a sense of peace and a knowing that I am never alone.

The defendant that is being charged with taking Sydney’s life has requested, and been granted, a continuance. According to public record, the defendant’s “expert”has been discredited in another court hearing, which means they now have to regroup and find someone else to try and prove his theory.

To me, this feels like Sydney is helping us where our hands are tied. This does means the trial will now go into the new year.

Today is my birthday, something my girls always made special. In fact, my birthday, Mothers Day and believe it or not, Fathers Day were 3 days that they took it upon themselves to go out of their way for me, make me feel even more special then they already did on a daily basis. And even at a young age, they teamed up and conspired for me, finding their way through making us all dinner and then a beautiful birthday cake. It was beautiful to watch as well as receive. As they got older, they would tell me I wasn’t allowed back in the house until a certain time so they could accomplish whatever they were up too and each year the meals and the cake became more elaborate (and more tasty J ). Most years they made my card too. As a mom, it just doesn’t get any better than that. Quality time and knowing you are completely loved and appreciated.

This morning, as I was mindfully moving through a process I call the “4-A’s” (related to moving through grief, see below) that I knew I was going to have to go through today (this is to show myself that I am, in fact, making progress. I never want to remain stuck!), I decided to honor Sydney by wearing one of her last gifts to me. Last Christmas, she and I went out shopping for the gifts she wanted to purchase for people. She was always very thoughtful about this and had specific things in mind for everyone. We had to do some searching but it was a successful and fun adventure. Then, when December 24^th came and she was killed, everything stopped. I packed a bag and left our house and only went back again to pack to move. When we finally got to the point that we could unwrap the gifts that were under the tree to determine what to do with them, I found a box wrapped with my name on it. I took a deep breath and unwrapped it. In this box was the last few things she touched and found special for me. Everything in the box was so perfectly “me” and Sydney knew it. She was such a love. So, I took the shirt that says “Sunday is for Snuggling” , which is also my favorite color! (I tried wearing it once before but it was just too soon) and am wearing it today. It may sound silly, I mean it’s only a shirt, but it’s the principal and the significance behind what it stands for between her and I.

So this year, being a year of firsts, doing things without Sydney by our side or conspiring for us, has had its ups and downs. Today is my first birthday without her. Today is the first “mom’s birthday” Aubrey is left without her sister, or partner in crime, to conspire. We will survive! We are finding new ways together, sharing her love, memories and energy, to move forward on days like today but I think I speak for both of us when I say there is a hole or numbness. Perhaps that is grief’s way to protect us as we go through the steps of acknowledgement, absorption, adjustment then acceptance (4-A’s). What I have come to realize is that for EVERY first, you go through the 4 A’s. It’s not just a once and done process. So I think that for todays first, we have absorbed the reality, are adjusting and moving through the day by feeling gratitude and love. Before we close our eyes at the days end, we will have reflected on how blessed we all are by Sydney having been in our lives and now to have her watching over us…. and with that, “acceptance” will once again have taken us.

In awe & gratitude…

As I have been reflecting today, I find myself struggling to find the appropriate words that capture the emotions that are flowing through me from last nights “Celebration of Sydney’s Life”. To say “thank you” or say “I am eternally grateful”, while completely true, they just don’t seem to do justice in expressing the depth of what I am feeling. I am in awe. To witness and feel the love and compassion in the room last night was overwhelming and just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes.

Namaste’ is a Hindu term used in the yogic world which simply translated means “My divine soul recognizes the divine soul in you”. Last night I felt, across the board and all evening, this incredible act of “Namaste” took place. We were there with one purpose; to share love. I was so moved, all evening by everyone that was able to be there (and some came from far away places!) and also by all of the voicemails, texts and messages for those of you that were unable to be there in person but where there in spirit. As Sydney looked upon us, I am positive she was flashing that radiant smile of hers and feeling loved, that in her absence, we are all able to find comfort in each other, our stories and the strength we muster from our unity.

I am blessed and treasure each of you for all that you are and for your loving my beautiful Angel.

Namaste’

Sydney would have been 22 years young today.

She always loved her birthday. Not because of gifts but because of the changes it signified in the year to come. She looked forward to all that each year was going to allow her to explore, along with the endless possibilities and adventures. And let’s not forget it meant MORE quality time together! And cake!!! She loved cake (and cheesy fries)!

Sydney had a zest for life, she loved to laugh and always new just what to say, no matter what the situation. She had the tendency to undersell herself and the value she added to others, which I believe is how she was able to be as humble as she was.

She LOVED her big sister and hanging out with her, even as they both got older and acted like they bugged each other! They always looked out for each other and every picture I have of the two of them they are arm in arm or just so obviously happy to be together. As they got older, they involved each other in their plans of growth and new chapters (Syd has/had her very own bedroom, you guessed it, aqua blue walls, at her sisters new house)…it was a joy as a mother to witness.

She was proud of me and of our relationship and shared our closeness with her friends. As she got older and was interested in stretching her wings, whenever she would get home, she had this amazing way of always making me a part of her adventures and was excited to share with me, ensuring our closeness would always remain.

While she appeared to sometimes have a tough exterior, that was her protection from having been walked out on or let down in the past. It didn’t take but a smile and an honest, heartfelt statement from you for her to let you in completely, hook, line and sinker. She loved you vulnerably from this moment on. She would go the distance for anyone she called friend or family and I have heard many stories that consistently prove this statement true, again and again.

Syd had this funny way about her. She was incredibly witty and had the one liners ready like she was reading your mind! She was an antagonist simply because it was fun and I was probably her favorite target! She loved playing to my weaknesses and I loved falling for her ways. She was able to use her wit, with a sometimes necessary dose of tough love, to tell you what you needed to hear and you always hugged her and thanked her! Never did someone walk away upset or angry, they were grateful that she cared and had a cool way of delivering the sometimes painful message. She would always follow up with you later too, to ensure you were good and finding what you needed to keep shining bright! Whether she would have used these words to describe it or not, she loved getting to people’s inner light and was a natural at it!

Music was many things for Sydney; healing (not that she would have used that word) and freeing. Her reach of genres was impressive for her age and even at 9 and 10 she was surprising me with her “latest fav”. And as I am sure Aubrey would attest to, Sydney would have the lyrics memorized in no time and sing over and over and over and over again, sometimes out of sheer joy and sometimes to get us going! She was an imp to be sure.

Many names did she answer to but one she was proudest of was “the peacemaker”. Confrontation, angry words and harsh outcomes were not in her making. She had a way of keeping Aubrey and I “at bay” more than once during those famed teenage years and if it was getting loud in the kitchen, Sydney would break into song, “why can’t we be friends, why can’t we be friends”and Aubrey and I would just start laughing and just like that the situation was resolved and really didn’t seem like that big of a deal any longer. She practiced this uncanny ability with other family and friends too, and I have heard the stories to prove it!

Movies, like music, were something of a passion of Sydney’s. She loved learning the soundtracks to movies and often would take the situation or a scene from a movie and relate it to something happening in life. She and her sister share the love of Disney and between them have seen (and maybe even own) the majority of them. They would send each other quotes or pictures of movies just for kicks or so they would know how the other was feeling. They had their own language for sure.

Travel (and the beach!) was something Sydney couldn’t get enough of and, because of her grandparents, she had the good fortune of seeing things in the world that most kids her age had not seen. She has been to Russia, Germany, Prague, Bahamas, Mexico, Canada and many US states. She used to tease me to catch up on my traveling! I loved that she and Aubrey were so fortunate and that they were also extremely grateful for having these adventures.

Cousins! …remembering how important family is and was to Sydney, cousins were also her dear friends and she treasured them so. And cousins of all ages too. She loved the little ones as much as the ones that were her age. She was able to adapt to the younger ones and they loved her so, always feeling that she understood them and she knew exactly what they wanted, needed and how to muster the proper behavior when she would sit for them. I have many pictures of Sydney on the bottom of the pile of little kids, everyone having a fabulous time together.

Knowing herself…Sydney was a hard worker but a smart one too. She was fortunate to know at a young age what she was passionate about. The kitchen! Sydney was a foodie to be sure!! She would take crazy things and put them together and it would be strangely tasty. She loved to create in the kitchen and thought that someday she would have her own fusion bar with a wildly creative menu and me tending bar! She figured nothing could go wrong if we did it together!! And I would have been so happy to be a part of her dream. She did try a stent in another field of study, just to see if she was really really sure about the cooking/baking I think, but it was an awesome experience for her and she met some really terrific people during that period of her life. No matter what she was working towards, she worked hard but somehow made it seem effortless.

Her passion – Ultimately, for anyone that knew Sydney, you knew that people were her passion. It brought her great joy to experience people of all ages and stages of life and to get to know them at a depth that most can’t do at 50, let alone being in your teens and 20’s and doing it so naturally. Her warmth and genuine way of being was something you wanted to be around and somehow absorb and have with you always. She had this uncanny ability to listen, and to hear even what you weren’t saying, and then she was able to provide a fun or whimsical way to get you to see things differently that somehow made that obstacle no longer an obstacle. Then you felt able to move through it with a new found confidence. Pretty remarkable. She loved helping people find their happiness and understood it needed to come from within.

There is so so much more to share about Sydney in her 21 years and 3 months of life. But with what I did share, I hope I was able to communicate her winning secret; her heart, her love for all and just the joy she had for being here with us, the people she loved the most. She definitely understood and lived what mattered most to her. She kept life simple, didn’t have the need for material stuff, shed what no longer served, called it like she saw it and did what felt right to her soul. She was often my teacher and I will forever be grateful.

Happy Birthday my sweet girl. Love knows no limits, from here to there…wherever you may be flying off to today, this day of yours, September 7th.

Everyone has their own speed and things they need to make peace with and I am finding that time, patience and being kind to myself are the three most important keys to being able to adjust and move forward in this new reality.

1st Annual Celebration of Sydney’s Life

September 7th, 2017

at The Trappe Tavern 6 to 10

Donations – If anyone wants to help make this an annual event by donating a few bucks to cover the food for everyone, that would be super!! I say annual because if we can do this well this year, then we have a winning formula started to keep the idea and the event alive for years to come! Sydney would love that. She loved her birthday!!

https://www.chuffed.org/project/1st-annual-celebration-of-sydneys-life

Sydney’s Character Wall Album…..is complete!!!!

THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH TO ALL OF YOU THAT PARTICIPATED AND SHARED A LITTLE ABOUT WHAT SHE MEANT TO YOU OR WHAT YOU WILL YOU MISS ABOUT THIS LOVELY JEWEL!! I will deliver the album this week so those that represent her FEEL her essence and all she was in life! I love you all and will forever by grateful…

Day 151

First, before my story, I would like to thank everyone for allowing me to share and being so unconditional with me through this time in my life. I would like to believe that I am a strong person and I find the light amongst the dark. But knowing that I am not alone, my family and friends stand with me through this time (and listen to me sometimes ramble) has helped me through the moments I doubted my strength and myself. Thank you all for your love, support and knowing just when to reach out!! I am truly grateful for you all!!

Now for a happy, fun memory (there were SO many!!)…As I reflect back over our years, I have so many wonderful memories of my time with the girls. I very lovingly refer to the girls as my cat and lap dog. Aubrey has always been very independent and more of a loner so I call her my cat. She comes to me when she needs me, shares and snuggles and then she gives me hugs and kisses and goes and does her thing. But make no mistake, she is very attentive and knows when she, “the cat”, is needed by me too. She is a very strong woman and I love that about her. Sydney was more of a lap dog. She was always strong in different ways. I believe she felt she was here for me, truly. She kept me organized, had great business ideas, helped me with some of my businesses, loved watching me create new things so she could challenge them! She was very content always being by my side, shared everything with me and we were a package deal. People, including Aubrey, called her my “mini me”. Syd would often joke with me that she was going to live with me until she was 90. I was absolutely totally cool with that!! Two peas in a pod…

After Aubrey moved out (but not far away which made me very happy), it wasn’t often that if Syd and I were home together that we weren’t in the same room together. We would usually end our days in one of our rooms just laying around talking or watching a movie. And if I was working at the table and she was ready for me to be done so we could be together, she would be sure to yell for me that it was time to be finished and to come hang out with her. (she was the boss!) When we moved to the Trappe house, we downsized so the rooms were smaller so me being in one room and her being in another wasn’t really like being in separate rooms. I mean I could sit at the dining table and put my arm in the kitchen, to give you an idea of space. But yet, Syd would always make sure we were close. I so loved that. One night, within the last week of her precious life, she was in the kitchen baking away (one of her favorite things to do!) and I was at the table working…literally only a few steps away from her and she stopped what she was doing and made a declaration!! “Mom, why are you so far away?” Now, remember when I said I could sit at that table and extend my hand into the kitchen!! So I picked up my chair, my computer and went and plopped myself directly in the middle of the kitchen!! I put my chair directly in front of the sink, (right in her way of “her” oven!) propped my feet up on the kitchen counter by the sink and sat back down and got back to work! I wanted to see what she would do to me! Squirt me, tickle me to get me out of her way, something! But instead, she turned to me and stopped what she was doing, paused and said, “now…that is much better!” with a big smile on her face. I can hear her voice and her laugh so clearly. Without hesitation, she got back to work happy to walk around me to get back to the oven to rescue her creation from the oven. She always just wanted to be with me and it didn’t matter if it meant just laying on the floor with me and coloring as I typed out my notes from the day or we would play cards or do a small puzzle as she would tell me about her day or about a conversation she had with a friend or she would play music on her phone and see if I knew what songs were. It was so amazing to me how easy it was for us to just be together and have it all flow so beautifully. When Aubrey and Kevin would come to visit, they very easily fell back into the ease of how things flowed when we were all together. It was really a terrific life.

Now I take all of those incredible memories that I have been blessed with and cherish them but I am very careful to continue living in my present moment.

Looking back over life I am grateful to feel so complete despite my loss, where as some that lose a child or a loved one have a pit of sorrow from regret and guilt. (Feeling how I have over these last 151 days, I can’t even imagine what that must be like to come back from.) I believe that gift is from Sydney. She taught me, and all that knew her, to truly know what it was to be loved, how to love and live in the moment with complete openness and even a level of vulnerability. Nothing is more important. And I will be sure to continue living all of those gifts while retaining and bringing all the joy and goodness “we 3” shared along with me as it will always be part of me. As I remind people that I run into, I have good days with hard moments, not the other way around.

This is Syd with Buddy (below)…he was her Cheeto eating (stealing) friend!

Day 135 – I realize that for most, life has moved on but for Aubrey, Kevin, Ken, Chloe and our families we are only on day 135 and already on 135. Its a very surreal place to be in life. I want to make sure that everyone understands me…why I share the things I am experiencing; openness and being vulnerable helps me heal, it may help someone else heal and for all that know me and love me to not be afraid of me..I am different but I still have the same heart.

I used to believe that losing a child would be the hardest thing in life to endure. Now I have come to realize that it’s the survival after the loss that’s doubly hard, it is what completely breaks you, totally pushes you over the edge. Because now you are not only dealing with the incredible void or hole that is left within you from losing this special bonded love, but, now…how you viewed life; what mattered, how you think, speak, act, dress, and view the big picture of life…all of those things, and then some, are no longer as you knew them. You are now a completely different person and not only do the people around you not know you but you yourself are searching to understand who you are now becoming from this incredible tragedy.

Simplicity has been key for me. I have let go of virtually everything material that was me, then. Some things I can’t even imagine using, doing, wearing or even going to anymore. The things I kept are things that we, Sydney, Aubrey and I had a connection too. Certain pieces of clothing or blankets that were cherished remain so. Pictures, although most I am unable to look at yet, are the biggest piece of what I have clung to. Memories, these are joyful yet painful but I allow myself to flow there to ensure I don’t let the pain of now outweigh the joy we experienced together then.

Everyday there is a new “first” of what this new reality of mine, ours looks like. And everyday I willingly shed a tear (or two) to not only honor the memory but to also ensure I am allowing the pain to flow freely so it doesn’t hold me prisoner forever. And with each tear I somehow find a way to move through it, knowing not only that I am going to survive, but that I remain here on this earth with a purpose. The purpose piece is truly what keeps me strong. It is one of my tether’s to sanity for the here and now. And one Sydney and I shared…

This weekend, going through a box from the move I came across the cards the girls have given me over the years (sentimental, yes I am) and the top one was my Mothers Day card from last year. The girls always used one card and both wrote inside. And at every age, they always wrote such beautiful and heartfelt messages that will forever warm me and I realized, again, at that moment that will be final card from both of them. And it broke me, again. A “first” and a “final”, both in one breathe. I will admit, this one was very hard to find my way through. The pain you feel in your chest from the breaking, it really does feel like that, as if something inside you is splitting in two and you are helpless to stop it. But as I allow it to do what seems necessary, as crazy as that may sound, I know that on the other side of the breaking will be an eventual healing and understanding that I will survive. I have to believe that. And I want to be strong and show the people in my life that count on me that we will all be okay. Aubrey, Kevin, Ken, Chloe, my nieces and nephew, brothers, her cousins, aunts, grandparents and her dear friends…THEY are what keep me going. Their love is felt through their pain of the loss they too feel and the void they look to fill.

Sydney was always all about family and was very clear about this throughout her life, at every age. She was so wise and understood that we are each others healing and in time, as we celebrate Sydney’s life with more smiles and fun stories and less tears, her life’s purpose of family & love will be our saving grace.

In memory of Sydney (123 days), in honor of Aubrey & Kevin, and in sharing an incredible living example of all the Core Values (listed below) I strive to live and share with my clients and in workshops to “harness the power of love”…

My oldest and beautiful daughter Aubrey’s wedding anniversary is coming up in May, May 22nd. It will be 2 years that they have been married and if I do say so, they seem very happy and in love. Looking back, if I didn’t (AND I ALMOST DIDN’T) practice those values, we would have had a very different version of what their wedding would have been. You see, when Kevin came to ask me for Aubrey’s hand in marriage I said “yes…but in 3 years”. I shared with him all of MY reasons why they should wait and I believe because of how we (me, the girls and Kevin) communicated and shared and their trust in me and my guidance, he lovingly and without hesitation said ok. Remarkable really, when I look back. Well, after we hugged and he left I put it aside, but something was not sitting well within me.

The next morning I woke as I always do, with a clear head and with the answers of truth, without my ego having a chance to get in the way, and I realized what was not sitting well within me the day before. I was very clearly NOT practicing the core values I had taught my girls nor that I believe I practice myself. I just asked my daughter to wait 3 years to marry, put her life on hold because of my insecurities, fears, my “what if’s”. In that instant I felt shame and immediately knew the plan to right the wrong. I called the kids (because they were kids!!) together and explained to them what I had done and my reasons. I told them if they wanted to get married then do so! “What’s the worst thing that could happen I said!” So the wedding planning began. And in 8 SHORT WEEKS, we had a wedding! Sidebar…I remember when I was proposing a toast to the happy couple, I made a little joke so as to put inquiring minds/assumptions to rest about the rush of the wedding and ensuring everyone that there was “no bun in the oven”. But when you’re in love, why wait!! Life is short. I had no idea at the time how appropriate a statement that was.

The wedding was outstanding!! We had so many people, family and dear friends, help put the details in place; the food was prepared by our dearest friends, the cupcakes and cake where made by Sydney for her favorite (and only) sister and was very excited to be her maid of honor (despite having to wear a long purple dress!) and I had the privilege of walking my sweet daughter down the isle. What a proud moment for me. My girls there together, (almost) all grown up and showing their love to all who where in attendance. It was a simple yet beautiful event. PERFECT in every way. That was 2 years ago. This year my beautiful daughter and her kind-hearted husband will celebrate their 2nd year together and I am so happy for them both. They bought a house about a year ago so they are living their American dream.

Here is the kicker…the realization came to us…came to me, recently that IF I would have not come to my senses and had forgone my core values (out of fear) that I strive to live and teach…we would have had a very different scenario. Asking myself now, “what’s the worst thing that can happen”…that would have been if I had enforced the “wait 3 years” rule for marriage, we would not have had Sydney with us May 22, 2017…

A painfully honest admission – I ALMOST made one of the biggest mistakes of my life WHICH WOULD HAVE BEEN A MAJOR REGRET!!!! I almost allowed my fear of “what if” overshadow my values and who I am. Please, never let your fears come in the way of how you parent. “Let go” of the outcome, “their” outcome and allow your children to live as they choose. The choice and consequence is theirs. TRUST IN YOU and your ability to parent and teach (live by example). Communicate unconditionally with those you love. Let them know why you hesitate or decide not to do something so they understand. Be honest with yourself; is that decision for you OR FOR THEM? Spend the time; talking, sharing, listening. Live by example, never judge. And remove the masks; don’t worry about what people might think. Do what you feel is best for you and your loved ones. Communicate that with compassion and love, NEVER with ego. Live a life with no regrets…

Learn to live within these values to harness the power of love; Be honest with yourself & others, Removing the Masks, Unconditional Communication, Live by example, Quality Time, Breaking the Lineage and Learning to “Let Go” & finally, What’s the worst thing that could happen. The result is harnessing love and no regrets.

On behalf of Sydney Stone…

Please help me share her essence in building a “Character Wall”!

Please, take a moment to read this and I hope that many of you will feel comfortable enough to share…

I was recently asked by the District Attorney’s office to prepare a “Victim’s Impact Statement” for the trial. This was incredibly difficult, I mean how to do you put the value of a loved one’s life and what their loss means to you in a paragraph? While working on this (and it was most definitely longer than a paragraph AND I sent pictures!), it got me to thinking. While the DA is acting as Sydney’s voice, we can too. She is not here to defend herself but perhaps if each of you would send me a paragraph (or longer) of who she was, how Sydney touched you and your life, we can help the court get a better feel for what an amazing person she truly was and how this lifetime will so dearly miss her. I can’t have her being simply a docket # in the court system…

I would like to build a character wall for Sydney. Would you please give your name, relationship to Sydney and share how you feel about her, what you miss and how the lose of her has impacted you? Even if you know her through me or Aubrey, I want to hear from you!!!! Or of our relationship together!! I would like to share this information with the DA. They need to see, hear, feel her impact so the truth of her is shared!!

If your not comfortable sending as a comment here, please message me!! Text me! Email me!! Share this so everyone can help!!

Thank you so very much!!!

Love to you all…

Thank you from the depths of my heart Bill Mann.

Day 88

During my toughest days, these words of wisdom help me through when I feel I can’t find the next breath…

“If we take good care of ourselves, we help everyone. We stop being a source of suffering to the world, and we become a reservoir of joy and freshness.”
- Thich Nhat Hanh, in “How to Love”.

I miss her every day, and always will, but I do know and feel that she is with me and there is a peace that comes with that knowing. I want to be joy for the people in my life. That’s the way Sydney knows and loves me…

DOES ANYONE KNOW ANYONE that quilts?

I am looking for someone local that quilts that would be interested in helping me with a “Memories of Sydney Project”. My goal is to have small patchwork quilts, pillows and possibly bears made out of Sydney’s clothes for family and friends. Many people have asked me for something of hers to hold and hug on those “harder days” which I totally get!!!

If you know someone, please let me know so I can get in contact and get started!!

This really means the world to me so I appreciate any leads.

Much love…

Day 58

It is so hard to imagine having been without Sydney’s beautiful smile, infectious laugh, sarcastic wit and her deep love for me, her family and friends and all she believed in for 58 days. It’s still so hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that she isn’t going to come running through the door with some crazy story and that laugh!

This weekend we took a bit of Sydney to share her with the world in a place she would love, Delray Beach, Florida. We had a tough time deciding on the beach or the intercoastal waters but when we found this small private beach and watched all of the boats go by, we knew we found her spot. You see, Sydney loved being out on the boat with her grandparents and cousins when she went to the beach. And this past summer, Poppi was teaching her how to manage the boat and she was SUPER excited about this. LOVED IT!!!

So Friday night, at sunset and low tide, Ken and I took some of her ashes and put her in the water as a boat went by and she went out with its wake. She would have been thrilled!!! It was a very hard and emotional thing to do but it feels necessary on so many levels. She is so worth it and was so happy traveling and being by or on the water. She just sparkled more than ever during those moments. And if you knew her, you knew she ALWAYS sparkled.

I would like to personally thank our friends in Delray for allowing us this opportunity. I will forever be grateful and thankful. It was a moment we will never forget…

Day 46.

A little memory lane….So grateful we married Aubrey off when we did! ?. The original plan was that Aubrey & Kevin would wait until May of 2017 to get married but for whatever reason, we all agreed…what was the point to wait! If you are in love, just do it! So we planned the wedding in 6 weeks!! And we had so much help from friends and loved ones to make it a beautiful day! Aubrey asked Syd to make their wedding cake and all the cupcakes! As most of you know, Sydney was quite the foodie! She wanted to open her own bar in time and had it all planned out, even menu ideas! Well, with that said, the cupcakes were crazy and crazy good. Chocolate lavender and maple bacon, just to mention a few. The girls had so much fun with it and had we waited, our Sydney would not have been a part of Aubrey and Kevin’s special day. I am grateful for being impulsive on that huge decision and I know I am not the only one ?. We have some amazing memories and fabulous pictures from that day and they are the first ones I turn to during an emotional moment. They bring me such joy.

Thank you to all that made that day so incredibly special…it means even more now than you could ever imagine.

Sure do love her and miss her

Being completely vulnerable (as always), Sundays are probably one of the harder days for me as a mom and friend, missing my Sydney. It was our “snuggle & pink blankie pj veg day”. Sometimes we had hours and sometimes only an hour but it was always quality and treasured.

As we were cleaning up the christmas stuff this year, I found the present Sydney had left for me. I hestitated opening it but did and in it was just another reminder of just how special she was and how well she knew me and valued our special moments. In the package was a cozy shirt that says “Sundays are for snuggling”…

So today is Sunday and I find myself ebbing a bit, but am being kind to myself, allowing the emotions and staying with the goodness of the memories and feeling the love that flows through my veins.

This picture is Sydney’s graduation picture in 2014. Such a beauty….inside and out.

Sharing to all that loved her & miss her. You are all in my hearts…

Day 30 – Perspective

Someone recently said to me, “As a parent, this is your worst nightmare, losing a child.” And they are correct. But I come from a positive outlook on life and I am a survivor and can’t be anything other than what I am. Sydney knows this about me and I believe she is counting on it. Some people have asked, “Does this test that foundation”? Yes indeed, and especially on certain days but then I think of all the beautiful memories, laughs, smiles…all the incredible quality time we shared and the way she would want me to approach moving forward and I find my way through.

Nothing anyone can say or do at this point can ever come close to hurting this deeply. SO AGAIN, I SAY TO ALL, please don’t fade away because you don’t know what to say or how to say it. The love I have for Sydney will continue to strengthen as each day passes and while her physical presence is deeply missed, I find comfort knowing and feeling her with me every minute of every day. THE BOND WILL NEVER BE BROKEN. She would want me to go on and be strong, carry out the work that I do, adding her flare and voice and even her approach from time to time (watch out!!).

Perhaps this perspective will help those of you that struggle. Your love, fun memories, support and tears help me, Aubrey, Kevin, Ken and Chloe heal as much as they help you heal. Please always remember and always feel invited to share….don’t run from tears. Remember….no regrets.

Here is a beautiful Buddhist quote that resonates with me…

“what the caterpillar perceives as the end,

to the butterfly is just the beginning.”

Today I celebrate my butterfly and Angel…

Much love…

Day 29

A reminder of my beautiful Sydney….

A friend of mine was sweet enough to send me this song and said it made her think of Sydney and our incredible loss. It is beautifully written and performed.

Donna Taggart – Jealous Of The Angels (Official Music Video)

Jealous Of The Angels written by Jenn Bostic is the first single from Donna Taggart’s second album Celtic Lady Volume II which is Out Now! All Rights to JENN…

YOUTUBE.COM

Day 25.

Love to Sydney. Always and forever baby….and we will find our way with your love and guidance.

Day 18.

Going thru things and found this great picture of my Sydney with just SOME of her favorite people!

Sure do love and miss her…

Day 14

Here is a little “dash of sas” from my sydy’did (one of her many nicknames) as she is sporting my cowboy hat. This was in May of 2015 at her sister’s wedding. Sydney made all of the super sized cupcakes (and all kinds of crazy combinations like maple bacon and chocolate lavender) and a personalized wedding cake for Aubrey & Kevin. A proud momma moment for sure with both of my girls!!

Sure do love her…

Please….take a minute and LISTEN AND READ these lyrics from “For Good” sung by Idina Menzel, Kristin Chenoweth (link above)

For those that knew and loved my Sydney…..LIKE ME, you have been changed for the good!! (one of her MANY favorite songs. As you can imagine, her playlist is very diverse!)

I’m limited
Just look at me
I’m limited
And just look at you you can do all I couldn’t do
Glinda
So now it’s up to you
For both of us
Now it’s up to you
I’ve heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don’t know if I believe that’s true
But I know I’m who I am today
Because I knew you…
Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I’ve been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good
It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You’ll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend…
Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I’ve been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
Because I knew you
I have been changed for good
And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the things I’ve done, you blame me for
But then, I guess we know
There’s blame to share
And none of it seems to matter anymore
Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes the sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In the wood (Harmony over Glinda)
Who can say if I’ve been
Changed for the better?
I do believe I have been
Changed for the better
And because I knew you…
Because I knew you…
Because I knew you…
I have been changed for good…

The many sides of Sydney….

Another one of her favorite sayings hanging in her room was from Dr. Seuss…

“Today you are you! That is truer than true! There is no one alive who is you-er than you!”

Sure do love her…

Into the Heart

This song of mine will wind its music around you

like the fond arms of love

This song of mine will touch your forehead
like a kiss of blessing.
When you are alone it will sit by your side
and whisper in your ear;
When you are in a crowd it will fence you in with aloofness.
My song will be like a pair of wings to your dreams;
It will transport your heart to the verge of the unknown.
It will be like a faithful star overhead
when dark night is over your road.
My song will sit in the pupils of your eyes,
and will carry your sight into the
heart of things.
And when my voice is silent in death,
my song will speak in your living heart.

I feel Sydney and hear her voice in these words……

Thank you for all of the loving messages, texts, posts and phone calls. And also, thank you so very much for everyone that attended Sydney’s funeral on Wednesday. There were so many loving faces; some I knew but all I knew of which was beautiful for me. Sydney was pure love (with a splash of sass!!) and to see how many people truly new her for exactly who she was brought me great joy.

I meant what I said on Wednesday, you may not know what to say or you may be afraid to say the wrong thing but please…..don’t avoid me, Aubrey, Kevin or Ken. Say the wrong thing! But stay close and keep that love alive that Sydney so easily instilled in us all.

Much love – Marcy