July 23rd…Day 211

We have been informed the criminal trial date has been set for the week of December 5th, 2017. With that, I have once again been reorganizing (for lack of a better word) where I stand on things. My values and beliefs have definitely been questioned through this process, as would any mother.

I believe in choice and consequence. Sydney made a choice to trust in the defendant and the consequence was her life. The defendant made a choice to violate her trust, and in so many ways, and the angry mother within me believes his consequence should be life in prison. That’s being completely honest. Is that realistic? I am honestly not sure. Anger is most definitely a huge stage in this process, of both the loss and of the court system, but one that I will not allow myself to become a prisoner too. So as time passes and I flux through all of the stages of emotions that any normal red-blooded human being would experience, I continue reaching within to the depths of my soul, my conscience and my heart. And in between the waves there are moments of silence that are allowing me to realign to my nature self; to what my values and beliefs are and also what I am hearing what Sydney would say to me if she were still here today. She would say something like, “momma, don’t let the damage destroy your rifikiness (it’s a sydney’ism from Lion King..kind of means extraordinariness with a dash of unusual).

So for me, for Sydney and for my oldest daughter Aubrey who is still counting on me and looking to me for guidance and love, for Chloe and Ken and also still for my own personal survival and sanity, I must continue to honor what has gotten me to this point. Not only in this dreadfully sad situation (I remind myself, every situation is a lesson) but also in all other facets of my life.

As I sit and lament, there are three things that jump out immediately; love, forgiveness & karma.

Love and unconditional love In the case of the trial, I am referring to unconditional love and that means being better, not bitter. By allowing the bitterness and anger that I feel to pass through but not linger and destroy me. This means releasing the emotions and the individual that has harmed me while understanding that I may now need to reassess, regroup and recalibrate my next choice in life.

In all other cases, love really is all you need. John Lennon was spot on. As much as my heart is breaking after losing Sydney, I know that my love for her and for life and for the rest of my family, that love will get me through this. If I remain open hearted, allowing myself to feel through every stage of emotions this process presents, I will find a new strength. And what has been surfacing is a depth of love I have not experienced before and one that will continue to pull me through the dark moments that present themselves at the most unexpected times, then, now and in the future.

Forgiveness is also non-negotiable and touches every aspect of life, every relationship, every choice. But in this case, as it relates to the trial (for me!) I want to continue to find a way to live life with the lowest levels of stress and with a level of health that will afford me a long and healthy life (yes, I do still want this, knowing it may be a little longer till I see my Sydney again). As it relates to the defendant, I wish for him the ability to learn and grow from the consequences of the choices made on December 24th, 2016 and hope he finds peace and is able to change the course of the direction he has seemingly chosen to have sailed his ship of life (this gets me to karma). Please understand forgiveness does not mean forgetting …it means honoring my beautiful daughter and myself and dealing with the circumstances that we have been given. It is normal to want revenge, to allow hate in, inviting it to stay as a permanent resident taking over all my responses, my every thought and my every day, and YES… I want him to serve a very long time, but I also know that the only things I can control are my responses (notice I did not say my reactions), my attitudes and adhering to my beliefs in honoring my beautiful daughter.

And lastly but not least, Karma…no matter what the outcome, there is no bringing Sydney back to us in this lifetime. Whatever the decision comes to be, I do truly believe that karma will be served at some point whether in this lifetime, the next or perhaps the next, until the lesson is learned and the choices are changed…karma will indeed be served.

 

Here is a visual that will help me stay focused and remind me during those more complicated moments of being human…