May 24, 2017

Day 151

First, before my story, I would like to thank everyone for allowing me to share and being so unconditional with me through this time in my life. I would like to believe that I am a strong person and I find the light amongst the dark. But knowing that I am not alone, my family and friends stand with me through this time (and listen to me sometimes ramble) has helped me through the moments I doubted my strength and myself. Thank you all for your love, support and knowing just when to reach out!! I am truly grateful for you all!!

Now for a happy, fun memory (there were SO many!!)…As I reflect back over our years, I have so many wonderful memories of my time with the girls. I very lovingly refer to the girls as my cat and lap dog. Aubrey has always been very independent and more of a loner so I call her my cat. She comes to me when she needs me, shares and snuggles and then she gives me hugs and kisses and goes and does her thing. But make no mistake, she is very attentive and knows when she, “the cat”, is needed by me too. She is a very strong woman and I love that about her. Sydney was more of a lap dog. She was always strong in different ways. I believe she felt she was here for me, truly. She kept me organized, had great business ideas, helped me with some of my businesses, loved watching me create new things so she could challenge them! She was very content always being by my side, shared everything with me and we were a package deal. People, including Aubrey, called her my “mini me”. Syd would often joke with me that she was going to live with me until she was 90. I was absolutely totally cool with that!! Two peas in a pod…

After Aubrey moved out (but not far away which made me very happy), it wasn’t often that if Syd and I were home together that we weren’t in the same room together. We would usually end our days in one of our rooms just laying around talking or watching a movie. And if I was working at the table and she was ready for me to be done so we could be together, she would be sure to yell for me that it was time to be finished and to come hang out with her. (she was the boss!) When we moved to the Trappe house, we downsized so the rooms were smaller so me being in one room and her being in another wasn’t really like being in separate rooms. I mean I could sit at the dining table and put my arm in the kitchen, to give you an idea of space. But yet, Syd would always make sure we were close. I so loved that. One night, within the last week of her precious life, she was in the kitchen baking away (one of her favorite things to do!) and I was at the table working…literally only a few steps away from her and she stopped what she was doing and made a declaration!! “Mom, why are you so far away?” Now, remember when I said I could sit at that table and extend my hand into the kitchen!! So I picked up my chair, my computer and went and plopped myself directly in the middle of the kitchen!! I put my chair directly in front of the sink, (right in her way of “her” oven!) propped my feet up on the kitchen counter by the sink and sat back down and got back to work! I wanted to see what she would do to me! Squirt me, tickle me to get me out of her way, something! But instead, she turned to me and stopped what she was doing, paused and said, “now…that is much better!” with a big smile on her face. I can hear her voice and her laugh so clearly. Without hesitation, she got back to work happy to walk around me to get back to the oven to rescue her creation from the oven. She always just wanted to be with me and it didn’t matter if it meant just laying on the floor with me and coloring as I typed out my notes from the day or we would play cards or do a small puzzle as she would tell me about her day or about a conversation she had with a friend or she would play music on her phone and see if I knew what songs were. It was so amazing to me how easy it was for us to just be together and have it all flow so beautifully. When Aubrey and Kevin would come to visit, they very easily fell back into the ease of how things flowed when we were all together. It was really a terrific life.

Now I take all of those incredible memories that I have been blessed with and cherish them but I am very careful to continue living in my present moment.

Looking back over life I am grateful to feel so complete despite my loss, where as some that lose a child or a loved one have a pit of sorrow from regret and guilt. (Feeling how I have over these last 151 days, I can’t even imagine what that must be like to come back from.) I believe that gift is from Sydney. She taught me, and all that knew her, to truly know what it was to be loved, how to love and live in the moment with complete openness and even a level of vulnerability. Nothing is more important. And I will be sure to continue living all of those gifts while retaining and bringing all the joy and goodness “we 3” shared along with me as it will always be part of me. As I remind people that I run into, I have good days with hard moments, not the other way around.

This is Syd with Buddy (below)…he was her Cheeto eating (stealing) friend!