May 8, 2017

Day 135 – I realize that for most, life has moved on but for Aubrey, Kevin, Ken, Chloe and our families we are only on day 135 and already on 135. Its a very surreal place to be in life. I want to make sure that everyone understands me…why I share the things I am experiencing; openness and being vulnerable helps me heal, it may help someone else heal and for all that know me and love me to not be afraid of me..I am different but I still have the same heart.

I used to believe that losing a child would be the hardest thing in life to endure. Now I have come to realize that it’s the survival after the loss that’s doubly hard, it is what completely breaks you, totally pushes you over the edge. Because now you are not only dealing with the incredible void or hole that is left within you from losing this special bonded love, but, now…how you viewed life; what mattered, how you think, speak, act, dress, and view the big picture of life…all of those things, and then some, are no longer as you knew them. You are now a completely different person and not only do the people around you not know you but you yourself are searching to understand who you are now becoming from this incredible tragedy.

Simplicity has been key for me. I have let go of virtually everything material that was me, then. Some things I can’t even imagine using, doing, wearing or even going to anymore. The things I kept are things that we, Sydney, Aubrey and I had a connection too. Certain pieces of clothing or blankets that were cherished remain so. Pictures, although most I am unable to look at yet, are the biggest piece of what I have clung to. Memories, these are joyful yet painful but I allow myself to flow there to ensure I don’t let the pain of now outweigh the joy we experienced together then.

Everyday there is a new “first” of what this new reality of mine, ours looks like. And everyday I willingly shed a tear (or two) to not only honor the memory but to also ensure I am allowing the pain to flow freely so it doesn’t hold me prisoner forever. And with each tear I somehow find a way to move through it, knowing not only that I am going to survive, but that I remain here on this earth with a purpose. The purpose piece is truly what keeps me strong. It is one of my tether’s to sanity for the here and now. And one Sydney and I shared…

This weekend, going through a box from the move I came across the cards the girls have given me over the years (sentimental, yes I am) and the top one was my Mothers Day card from last year. The girls always used one card and both wrote inside. And at every age, they always wrote such beautiful and heartfelt messages that will forever warm me and I realized, again, at that moment that will be final card from both of them. And it broke me, again. A “first” and a “final”, both in one breathe. I will admit, this one was very hard to find my way through. The pain you feel in your chest from the breaking, it really does feel like that, as if something inside you is splitting in two and you are helpless to stop it. But as I allow it to do what seems necessary, as crazy as that may sound, I know that on the other side of the breaking will be an eventual healing and understanding that I will survive. I have to believe that. And I want to be strong and show the people in my life that count on me that we will all be okay. Aubrey, Kevin, Ken, Chloe, my nieces and nephew, brothers, her cousins, aunts, grandparents and her dear friends…THEY are what keep me going. Their love is felt through their pain of the loss they too feel and the void they look to fill.

Sydney was always all about family and was very clear about this throughout her life, at every age. She was so wise and understood that we are each others healing and in time, as we celebrate Sydney’s life with more smiles and fun stories and less tears, her life’s purpose of family & love will be our saving grace.